Since my last post... ohhhh two months ago, many, many things have happened in my world. Most sucks, but some is extra awesome. The stuff that sucks is completely and totally out of my control, so let's just pretend its not that giant elephant behind the curtain there, ok?

Let's just be positive. It IS the holidays after all.

So in October I'd decided to go back to the gym. And, HURRAH! Im going. Nearly DAILY. WTF? I've become one of those. A "gym person". This is EXCEPTIONALLY weird to me, but I AM. I dont necessarily LIKE going, but I like the FEELING afterwards. I like that I can tell it gets easier every day I go, and I can go for a little longer and a little harder each time.

I'm being VERY patient with myself. I prefer to go alone, even though my bestie goes to the same gym. But, i'm competetive by nature so if I go with her, I want to compete at something which is counterproductive for me in the gym. In school, thats different. heh. So I go, usually in the mornings, take a yoga class, or do some cardio. And I dont spaz. I do a half hour on the treadmill, (I started at 15 mins, so i'm making progress) walking still, but occasionally i'll jog several bursts. I dont want to pretend like i'm some seasoned athlete and go run full tilt and have a heart attack on the cardio floor.

When I hit 30 mins on the 'mill, I then go do abs. I HATE abwork. But I started slowly there too. Its not a lot but i'm up to 50 regular crunches and then i do obliques till i want to cry, which ends up around 20 per side. Im not saying this is the proper way to do it, but its WORKING for me. And thats whats important to me. If I push myself too hard at first I get mad that I cant do it and just stop going all together. But i've been going! For almost 2 months. And I could care less about if im losing anything, i want to create a healthy habit for myself first. :)

Next week, i'm meeting up with a friend of mine who is a trainer just to go through what I should start doing to work some strength training into my days. Im really excited about this!

So, thats that. Theres more to share but I have cookies to bake (yes, to give to others and send to my super handsome boyfriend and his girls in Baltimore - a surprise box full of homemade cookies is the BEST EVER)

love and eskimo kisses-


Try Again

I'm going to try this again. I need some sort of creative outlet, and my lj is just not doing it for me any longer. I don't care to "make it" as a blogger, I just need to get ideas and thoughts out of my brain on occasion.

I've made the decision recently to start going back to the gym. Again. It seems to me that people are either gym people, or they arent. I am not. But i'm also not ok with being chubby any more. Ok, screw chubby. Im fat. Im curvy. Im voluptous.

Whatever you want to call it, I just don't want to be it any more. Sure, I LOVE my curves, and I never ever ever want to be a toothpick either, nor do i plan to get super tiny. I'd honestly be happy if I got myself back down into an 8. Im at a 14 now. eek. I admitted it.

Yes, baby's got back.

I'm Greek. It's kind of a no choice situation for havin' a booty. I just want to get back to the point where I'm comfortable again. I have a lot of work to do. But I, for the very very first time in my life, am making this decision for me. FOR ME!

Let me back up a touch. My ex spent hours, days, weeks, and months of our near 4 year relationship ripping me apart for my weight. He was no fucking prize either might I add. It was so, so hard for me to listen to him and give a shit when he's sitting on an extra 50 el bees himself while inhaling a cheeseburger. I just couldn't care.

And then we broke up. Two months before our wedding. (totally for the best).

And then i realized, SHIT. I have to DATE now! Oh holy fuck.

I hate dating about as much as I hate running on a treadmill. But I realized the only dudes I know are either A- Married.... B- insane... or C- just friends that i had NO intention of "going there" with.... I had to get my ass back out there. Whatever size it was.

And then I got mad.

I said FUCK YOU if you dont like my ass the size it is! (see the old insecurities I let my ex create in me creeping up? Lovely, no?)

I said this to the boys on OKCupid as they flashed on my computer screen.

This was pathetic and tragic.

And then I went on a few dates. Real. Live. Dates. with Real. Live. Guys.

Many of them crashed and burned. The ones I cared to keep around for a bit never got much farther than becoming a fuck buddy (i mean, who REALLY gives a shit about what a fuck buddy thinks about your ass?) or just another friend i didnt want to go there with.

I spent about 6 months doing this.

And then I went into therapy.


My therapist was evil. He cut me off. Cold turkey. No fuck buddies. No dating. NOTHING. I had to focus on myself.

Oh hellllllllz naw.

Me. Focusing on ME?! What choo talkin' bout willis?

The day he forced me to sit with my back to him and tell him where my insecurities came from still resonates deeply for me. I realized how much I SEARCH for validation from everyone. My hands moved and fluttered a mile a minute as I rambled on between tears and sobs about everything from my family to my ex to my own incredible insecurities that stemmed from seemingly nowhere.

And he was silent.


And i felt like i was dying the entire time.

But then, when I got home and reflected on it that night, I found where it made sense for me.

and then I spent 6 weeks celibate. I also felt like i was dying then too.



Anyway, back to the story.

Its taken me another 6 months to get to a place where I'm ready to start taking ownership of my body and my insecurities. It took a lot of lost friendships, a LOT of tears, and a trip out of the country on my own to really realize what and who I am.

I keep thinking of the movie The Labyrinth with David Bowie and Jennifer Connelly. She says to him:

"You have no power over me"

which I think i'm going to adopt as my new mantra to my own ridiculously unneccessary thought processes and insecurities.

Annnnnnd go.



I quit. I'm leaving. Sionara. Hasta la Vista, Baby. Ciao. Au revior. Bye.

Then..... two weeks to wait.

It's the proper thing to do right? Give an employer two weeks notice when leaving the company. But, what if the company closes? What if your employer gives YOU two weeks notice?

Still... two weeks to wait.

And hate every single second of it. Seething bitterness. Complete and utter lack of motivation to accomplish anything.

No, really, I don't know what this feels like.


July is the month of extreme awesome and epic fail for me this year. Last year, it was August. But we won't go there.

This month, my family is coming to visit (this is only the second time they've come here in EIGHT years). I'm also taking off for a week for an incredibly awesome vacation with three friends to Costa Rica. I am, incidentally, also losing my job this month. *insert Eeyore eyes here*

I've worked for the same family for pushing 7 years now (with a year+ off in the beginning). When the decision was made to close our doors after just over 7 years in business, I was jerked around a lot. And hard. With no kissing first.

I was told, in essence, that my job would cease to exist at the end of June. I would be getting NO severance. NO insurance (unless I wanted COBRA which would run me $100 more than my car payment each month) PS. I was told this with two weeks notice. I spent the next 6 hours getting completely shitfaced and had to be carried to a friends awaiting couch. Classy move. Trust me. This was a friday.

Then, the following Monday, my boss informed me she could maybe use me into the beginning of July. But still no severance/insurance. With the job market what it is, I informed her i'd have to be allowed time (undocked time thankyouverymuch) to interview for other jobs. Also, what about that week's paid vacay I still have coming to me? Oh. You don't want to pay that either. Well, fuck.

Its gone back and forth still. Three weeks later. Yes, I still have a job, but as recently as last friday was told they were still considering canning me ASAP. Im just waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me, honestly.

But, Im a survivor. I always find a new job, or a way to make shit work for me. Ive always been that way. My dad calls it my "special talent".

The worst part right now..... the waiting. The complete desire to stab pins in my eyes instead of be here any longer. Its like being in a shitty relationship, but not wanting to be the one to break up with the other person... so you wait for them to man up and do it for you. Gawd. Lamesauce.

Honestly, there are times when I find myself doing things (or, um, NOT doing things) just because I don't give a shit anymore. Im getting nothing. Except a paycheck *hpefully* for the next three weeks. At what point is it just not worth it anymore? If I wasnt waiting to hear back on a SPECIFIC job i interviewed for, I'd just bail and get a job at like Border's or something. But that job, the one i'm waiting to hear about, is so freaking perfect. And I feel good about it. But, they are closed this week for the holiday. (what i wouldnt give to be closed this week for the holiday).

*crosses fingers*
*hides anything sharp and stabby*
*says a teeny prayer to the Universe to please let me NOT kill anyone.... and maybe hook me up with that sweet job, yanno the one that would be perfect.... yeah that one. kthxUniverse. Youre the best.*



That one

So, most every person has that one. You know the one. The one that you let get away without ever expressing anything, without ever making it clear there was something there for you.

Most of the time, that person simply fades into the background of your life; a missed opportunity, but not one to hold you back from anything.

That is, until that one person unexpectedly pops back up. Re-enters your life. Sets your eyes, heart, and mind aflame with thoughts of the woulda, coulda, shoulda's. The what if's. The do I do this now's. The questions. The possibilities. The deep, deep feelings that never went away.

But, after having never risked it back then, to risk it now, would it be worth it? Are they the person you hoped they'd become? Are they still the very same as the day they walked away?

Ponderings over oj and an english muffin. The conversation of my heart and mind.


Can I tell you something?

"I can't read you"
"Is that a good thing?"
"Yes. Very good."


And so it begins...

I've never really been one for being wholeheartedly into blogging. I love to read blogs. Plenty of my friends have blogs, which I follow regularly but, for me, I guess I've always just sort of felt like that weird girl on the playground in blogland.

Sure, I'm clever and I have a crazy life and I have plenty of stories to tell, but, the ever looming question for me is, "Who the hell wants to read this shit?" Well, obviously, I love to read the insanity of my friend's blogs, and, clearly, you're reading mine (assuming i'm not sending this out into the blog-verse to no one), but now, there's pressure.

I have an audience.


{Hold a moment while I freak out silently on the other side of this curtain.}

Ok, we're good now. I think. Maybe. Yes. Moving on.

So let's start with where the hell I came from. What my story is, I suppose.

Once upon a time, a girl and a boy met.... ok, no I won't start THAT far back I guess.

The basics:
I'm a girl. (clearly)
I'm single (that better not be so clear.)
I work full time in the skin care industry, but, the company is sadly folding later this year.
I am in school in the evenings, getting my pre reqs done so I can apply to Nursing School early next year.
I am most definitely a cat person. (though i don't dislike dogs)
I am pierced and tattooed.
I try to be optimistic.
I am imperfect. And I like it that way.
I am both a lover and a fighter.
I believe in the Universe and it's ability to act in our lives.
I am a firm believer that everything. EVERY. THING. happens for a reason.
I like ghosts.
and sushi.
and beer.

So, I'm not entirely certain the direction i'm going to take this little blog yet, but when I figure it out, I promise you'll be the first to know. Cross my heart.

Today, I'll leave you with the most ridiculous thing I've said recently:

"I love you more than biscuits"