I'm going to try this again. I need some sort of creative outlet, and my lj is just not doing it for me any longer. I don't care to "make it" as a blogger, I just need to get ideas and thoughts out of my brain on occasion.
I've made the decision recently to start going back to the gym. Again. It seems to me that people are either gym people, or they arent. I am not. But i'm also not ok with being chubby any more. Ok, screw chubby. Im fat. Im curvy. Im voluptous.
Whatever you want to call it, I just don't want to be it any more. Sure, I LOVE my curves, and I never ever ever want to be a toothpick either, nor do i plan to get super tiny. I'd honestly be happy if I got myself back down into an 8. Im at a 14 now. eek. I admitted it.
Yes, baby's got back.
I'm Greek. It's kind of a no choice situation for havin' a booty. I just want to get back to the point where I'm comfortable again. I have a lot of work to do. But I, for the very very first time in my life, am making this decision for me. FOR ME!
Let me back up a touch. My ex spent hours, days, weeks, and months of our near 4 year relationship ripping me apart for my weight. He was no fucking prize either might I add. It was so, so hard for me to listen to him and give a shit when he's sitting on an extra 50 el bees himself while inhaling a cheeseburger. I just couldn't care.
And then we broke up. Two months before our wedding. (totally for the best).
And then i realized, SHIT. I have to DATE now! Oh holy fuck.
I hate dating about as much as I hate running on a treadmill. But I realized the only dudes I know are either A- Married.... B- insane... or C- just friends that i had NO intention of "going there" with.... I had to get my ass back out there. Whatever size it was.
And then I got mad.
I said FUCK YOU if you dont like my ass the size it is! (see the old insecurities I let my ex create in me creeping up? Lovely, no?)
I said this to the boys on OKCupid as they flashed on my computer screen.
This was pathetic and tragic.
And then I went on a few dates. Real. Live. Dates. with Real. Live. Guys.
Many of them crashed and burned. The ones I cared to keep around for a bit never got much farther than becoming a fuck buddy (i mean, who REALLY gives a shit about what a fuck buddy thinks about your ass?) or just another friend i didnt want to go there with.
I spent about 6 months doing this.
And then I went into therapy.
My therapist was evil. He cut me off. Cold turkey. No fuck buddies. No dating. NOTHING. I had to focus on myself.
Oh hellllllllz naw.
Me. Focusing on ME?! What choo talkin' bout willis?
The day he forced me to sit with my back to him and tell him where my insecurities came from still resonates deeply for me. I realized how much I SEARCH for validation from everyone. My hands moved and fluttered a mile a minute as I rambled on between tears and sobs about everything from my family to my ex to my own incredible insecurities that stemmed from seemingly nowhere.
And he was silent.
And i felt like i was dying the entire time.
But then, when I got home and reflected on it that night, I found where it made sense for me.
and then I spent 6 weeks celibate. I also felt like i was dying then too.
Anyway, back to the story.
Its taken me another 6 months to get to a place where I'm ready to start taking ownership of my body and my insecurities. It took a lot of lost friendships, a LOT of tears, and a trip out of the country on my own to really realize what and who I am.
I keep thinking of the movie The Labyrinth with David Bowie and Jennifer Connelly. She says to him:
"You have no power over me"
which I think i'm going to adopt as my new mantra to my own ridiculously unneccessary thought processes and insecurities.