My ex is a person that I have come to realize has probably less common sense than my one year old nephew.
I just received a call from my mother (who hates him, please note) that he used her as a personal reference.
WHAT CHOO TALKIN BOUT MAMA?
The only thing i can do is *facepalm* at his epic stupidity and laugh at the fact that whatever he is applying for, he will most likely NOT get it because of this.
If left alone with him in a room with a sharp object, I think she would be the only one to emerge unscathed.
Essentially, I love that he is dumb enough to think that this was a good idea. Sure, *I'VE* moved on and stopped giving a shit about him, but that doesn't mean my family forgives him.
I just sit back and laugh.
ETA: Spoke to mama again and she didn't want to call, so she gave me the number and I did it for her. (What? We sound the damn same on the phone anyway. Seriously. She and my father have a "code word" so he doesnt say something weird to his daughter)
Apparently, Mr. Genius of the Mother Effing century is not paying his bills anymore. And they can't reach him. So they called her because he listed her as a reference when he bought his truck. When we were still together.
I informed the very nice lady I spoke to that we had nothing nice to say about him, and we hadn't been in contact in over two years, but that I had his cell phone number and place of business if that would be helpful to her. She thanked me and I gave her the info and went on my way. I feel I did a good deed. >:)
3.29.2010
Well...ow. Plus extras
Yesterday evening I managed to drop the very heavy plug end of my flat iron. Right. On. My. Foot.
It was fantastically awesome in that I saw colors and immediately wanted to cut my foot off. From a friggin PLUG? yes. The ow. It hurts.
Anyway, so I spent the day wondering if i'd cracked a tarsal (yay nursing school) or if I was really just being overly dramatic (it was the latter). I'm gestating an awesome bruise now though. woo.
In other, less painful news, I've realized that I should put up a little update of sorts as there isn't a whole lot of info about, well, me on here.
I'm originally from the burbs outside Chicago. I currently live in South Florida, though I spent the majority of my life traveling back and forth between the two due to there being a parent in each state.
I moved to Florida at 19, ready to take on the world. Got my esthetics license and started working in the corporate skin care world (I was a makeup artist for Clinique before I moved here).
After a string of poorly made relationship and life decisions I ended up engaged, only to cancel the wedding two months before it happened (more ow, lots of money....yeah.) While it was possibly one of the HARDEST things i've ever done in my life, I am 100% certain that I HAD to go through that relationship to make me understand really what I was doing to myself and how I was dealing with less than I deserved.
Lots of therapy later I spent about a year and a half alone. Well, not ALONE, I did plenty more stupid shit in that year and a half, but I also learned more about myself than I had in my previous 25 years.
I went away to a foreign country (Costa Rica) for two weeks last summer, and while it was lonely, and I got incredibly homesick, I am SO glad I did that for myself. I learned to say what I wanted, regardless of how it effected the lives of those around me (not that I'm unconcerned with others, I have just always put what others want before what I want).
I was finally at the point where I was happy being ME. I'd never been there before. But when I finally managed to enjoy my OWN company, of course life threw a wrench in my plan. A 6'3'', bald, blue eyed, beautiful tattooed wrench.
Here I am 6 months later looking forward instead of back. We live in different states. He's up in Maryland. We've racked up a good amount of frequent flyer miles thus far. But, we will never know what is possible with 1100 miles between us. Neither of us are very good at the whole long distance thing.
I've read about couples being together for years but always living across the country from one another, I just Cannot. Do. That. So i've decided to give up my life here in Florida, and move to Maryland. May 5th, I pick up my handsome boy from the airport and we will cram all my shit, and my two cats (who will be sedated so no one dies on the trip) into a Uhaul and start the drive to our home together.
It's starting to hit me that this is really happening. Its so exciting and nerve wracking all at the same time. I decided I wouldn't live in the "what if's" anymore. I will only live in the here and nows. Whatever life throws at me, I will live it and learn from it. And Love. Beyond everything else, I will love with every ounce of who I am. I will love the shit out of life. Because one day, I won't be here anymore. And I never want to reflect back and say "I wish I would have done that" I just want to do it.
Life is an adventure. Put on your seat belts, kids. Its gonna be a fun one.
xo-
K
It was fantastically awesome in that I saw colors and immediately wanted to cut my foot off. From a friggin PLUG? yes. The ow. It hurts.
Anyway, so I spent the day wondering if i'd cracked a tarsal (yay nursing school) or if I was really just being overly dramatic (it was the latter). I'm gestating an awesome bruise now though. woo.
In other, less painful news, I've realized that I should put up a little update of sorts as there isn't a whole lot of info about, well, me on here.
I'm originally from the burbs outside Chicago. I currently live in South Florida, though I spent the majority of my life traveling back and forth between the two due to there being a parent in each state.
I moved to Florida at 19, ready to take on the world. Got my esthetics license and started working in the corporate skin care world (I was a makeup artist for Clinique before I moved here).
After a string of poorly made relationship and life decisions I ended up engaged, only to cancel the wedding two months before it happened (more ow, lots of money....yeah.) While it was possibly one of the HARDEST things i've ever done in my life, I am 100% certain that I HAD to go through that relationship to make me understand really what I was doing to myself and how I was dealing with less than I deserved.
Lots of therapy later I spent about a year and a half alone. Well, not ALONE, I did plenty more stupid shit in that year and a half, but I also learned more about myself than I had in my previous 25 years.
I went away to a foreign country (Costa Rica) for two weeks last summer, and while it was lonely, and I got incredibly homesick, I am SO glad I did that for myself. I learned to say what I wanted, regardless of how it effected the lives of those around me (not that I'm unconcerned with others, I have just always put what others want before what I want).
I was finally at the point where I was happy being ME. I'd never been there before. But when I finally managed to enjoy my OWN company, of course life threw a wrench in my plan. A 6'3'', bald, blue eyed, beautiful tattooed wrench.
Here I am 6 months later looking forward instead of back. We live in different states. He's up in Maryland. We've racked up a good amount of frequent flyer miles thus far. But, we will never know what is possible with 1100 miles between us. Neither of us are very good at the whole long distance thing.
I've read about couples being together for years but always living across the country from one another, I just Cannot. Do. That. So i've decided to give up my life here in Florida, and move to Maryland. May 5th, I pick up my handsome boy from the airport and we will cram all my shit, and my two cats (who will be sedated so no one dies on the trip) into a Uhaul and start the drive to our home together.
It's starting to hit me that this is really happening. Its so exciting and nerve wracking all at the same time. I decided I wouldn't live in the "what if's" anymore. I will only live in the here and nows. Whatever life throws at me, I will live it and learn from it. And Love. Beyond everything else, I will love with every ounce of who I am. I will love the shit out of life. Because one day, I won't be here anymore. And I never want to reflect back and say "I wish I would have done that" I just want to do it.
Life is an adventure. Put on your seat belts, kids. Its gonna be a fun one.
xo-
K
3.26.2010
Movin' On Up...
So, I'm moving to Maryland in 5 weeks. It seems like a combination of "been waiting FOREVER to move" and "holy shit i'm leaving REALLY SOON and have nothing done and way too much to do"
I set up a goodbye dinner thing, that, while in theory i'm totally stoked about, in reality i'm afraid that I will end up disappointed. This has been an ongoing theme in my life.
It started when I was 12. And it has to do with birthdays.
For my 12th bday I wanted to have a HUGE EFFING PARTY, and made up flyers and dished them out to all my awesome 7th grade buds (and basically anyone that walked past me in the hallway) Literally I think i handed out like 150 "invites". Clearly this was going to only be the L33t. Or not.
We lived in the country and had a huge property at the time...I was totally excited and pumped for it the day of. and three people came.
I was wrecked. Granted, the three girls that came were three of my close friends and we had fun anyway, to this day when I see pics from that event I get that same heartbroken feeling all over again. I am clearly not mature.
Anyway, so for my 22nd birthday, when I was dating Kim, I had a thing at my house, and quite a few people actually showed up. It was a mix of my family and friends. And Kim got hammered and proceeded to call me a lying slut in front of everyone, my Grandfather included.
Throwing parties never ceases to stress me the fuck out.
Last year, for my birthday I will say it was one of the BEST birthdays I have ever had. (Minus the alcohol poisoning I gave myself \m/) We set it up at the Hard Rock, and barhopped all night. The only thing that bugged me was that SEVERAL people that said they'd be there, just... didn't show. No reason or anything, just didn't show up. And while it was an awesome night, a part of me turned 12 again.
So now, I'm planning this casual dinner thing and invited all the locals on FB, and i'm trying to remain realistic about it. If they don't come, its cool. But another part of me is still 12, and is like "but i'm MOVING and I won't BE here to hang out with anymore"
I really hope, for once, people do what they say they are going to. If only so I can grow to be 13, eventually.
I set up a goodbye dinner thing, that, while in theory i'm totally stoked about, in reality i'm afraid that I will end up disappointed. This has been an ongoing theme in my life.
It started when I was 12. And it has to do with birthdays.
For my 12th bday I wanted to have a HUGE EFFING PARTY, and made up flyers and dished them out to all my awesome 7th grade buds (and basically anyone that walked past me in the hallway) Literally I think i handed out like 150 "invites". Clearly this was going to only be the L33t. Or not.
We lived in the country and had a huge property at the time...I was totally excited and pumped for it the day of. and three people came.
I was wrecked. Granted, the three girls that came were three of my close friends and we had fun anyway, to this day when I see pics from that event I get that same heartbroken feeling all over again. I am clearly not mature.
Anyway, so for my 22nd birthday, when I was dating Kim, I had a thing at my house, and quite a few people actually showed up. It was a mix of my family and friends. And Kim got hammered and proceeded to call me a lying slut in front of everyone, my Grandfather included.
Throwing parties never ceases to stress me the fuck out.
Last year, for my birthday I will say it was one of the BEST birthdays I have ever had. (Minus the alcohol poisoning I gave myself \m/) We set it up at the Hard Rock, and barhopped all night. The only thing that bugged me was that SEVERAL people that said they'd be there, just... didn't show. No reason or anything, just didn't show up. And while it was an awesome night, a part of me turned 12 again.
So now, I'm planning this casual dinner thing and invited all the locals on FB, and i'm trying to remain realistic about it. If they don't come, its cool. But another part of me is still 12, and is like "but i'm MOVING and I won't BE here to hang out with anymore"
I really hope, for once, people do what they say they are going to. If only so I can grow to be 13, eventually.
2.15.2010
When things are not so quiet on the homefront...
Fighting with a parent is a lot like having a missing lung, I think. Its not impossible to breathe, it just hurts a lot and you're exhausted all the time and your other lung is doing all the work, it's own, plus the missing lungs' work.
My mother and I are fighting. This happens about once every two to three years with us. We go several weeks not speaking, and then I get fed up with her childishness and call, apologize for something I probably didn't do in the first place, and everything is fine again.
This time, I have decided NOT to call. I refuse to apologize, as I KNOW 100% that I am NOT wrong this time. Im curious to see how long she will hold out though.
I'm moving away to another state 1100 miles away in a little less than three months. My bet is that she WONT make things better before I go (three months is the longest we've ever gone without speaking before, when I moved to my dad's house at 13). This hurts me quite a bit, andyet, doesn't surprise me much.
My father, bless his heart, (he and mom are divorced) has been my missing lung. He's not only dealing with his own crap and life and bullshit, he now has to listen to me whine at least three times a week about my mother being a 14 year old.
I'm not really sure what to do though. The little girl that is still in me hates fighting with my mom and just wants to smooth it over and make it better, but, the adult in me knows that THAT is the reason she is pulling this shit with me now. Because I LET HER GET AWAY WITH IT MY WHOLE LIFE.
Unfortunately, right now, fuck, forever, it's really been more, Im the parent and she's the child. Unless you ask her. Then she's mother Theresa and she has sacrificed more for her family than anyone ever. *eyeroll*
What it boils down to is I think that my mother is acting like a spoiled brat and I'm done feeding into it.
For once, I'd like her to just be an adult. To realize that I AM HER CHILD. Sure, we've been friends my whole life, but sometimes, i just need her to be my mom.
Its hard to make the point known, when i'm being ignored. Maybe my lack of apology will, for once, be understood.
One can only hope.
My mother and I are fighting. This happens about once every two to three years with us. We go several weeks not speaking, and then I get fed up with her childishness and call, apologize for something I probably didn't do in the first place, and everything is fine again.
This time, I have decided NOT to call. I refuse to apologize, as I KNOW 100% that I am NOT wrong this time. Im curious to see how long she will hold out though.
I'm moving away to another state 1100 miles away in a little less than three months. My bet is that she WONT make things better before I go (three months is the longest we've ever gone without speaking before, when I moved to my dad's house at 13). This hurts me quite a bit, andyet, doesn't surprise me much.
My father, bless his heart, (he and mom are divorced) has been my missing lung. He's not only dealing with his own crap and life and bullshit, he now has to listen to me whine at least three times a week about my mother being a 14 year old.
I'm not really sure what to do though. The little girl that is still in me hates fighting with my mom and just wants to smooth it over and make it better, but, the adult in me knows that THAT is the reason she is pulling this shit with me now. Because I LET HER GET AWAY WITH IT MY WHOLE LIFE.
Unfortunately, right now, fuck, forever, it's really been more, Im the parent and she's the child. Unless you ask her. Then she's mother Theresa and she has sacrificed more for her family than anyone ever. *eyeroll*
What it boils down to is I think that my mother is acting like a spoiled brat and I'm done feeding into it.
For once, I'd like her to just be an adult. To realize that I AM HER CHILD. Sure, we've been friends my whole life, but sometimes, i just need her to be my mom.
Its hard to make the point known, when i'm being ignored. Maybe my lack of apology will, for once, be understood.
One can only hope.
1.24.2010
Have you lost weight?
I decided that this deserved it's own post.
Mainly because i'm damn proud of myself.
So because i've been mostly living on the very very minimum that I can for the last few months, I've become a bit of a homebody. I haven't gone out with my friends in quite a while. But last night there was an event downtown, and I decided I needed to get my ass up and out. I mean, the cover was only $5, even I can afford that.
I met my friends at one of their condos, which was directly next door to the venue we were heading to.
When I walked in one of my very best friends in all the land looked at me and said "You've lost weight!" I smiled. I have. "Did you notice this shirt fits much differently than when I wore it for my birthday?" I asked him, "Uh huh" he said.
I'd bought a vest to wear out for my birthday party in August. The vest was a little snug, but I rocked it anyway. Last night, I realized that I should probably have it tailored. Its obvious that I've lost weight in my stomach and, unfortunately, my boobs.
But I can handle that. For the first time since I started back to the gym in October, I CAN TELL I'VE LOST WEIGHT AND SO CAN OTHER PEOPLE.
This is huge for me. Im doing it right. Sure, I could be a lot lighter now if I changed my eating habits or went to the gym daily. BUT I DONT WANT TO. I like going to the gym when I can, and I like eating what I want. I am just more aware of HOW MUCH im eating. And I get up 9 times out of 10 when i'd rather sit on the couch all day (today is an exception heh)
I feel good. I still need to lose more, but i'm happy with my progress. I wish I would have taken my measurements when I first started. Maybe I did. I'll have to scour my internet sites and see. :)
xo-
K
Mainly because i'm damn proud of myself.
So because i've been mostly living on the very very minimum that I can for the last few months, I've become a bit of a homebody. I haven't gone out with my friends in quite a while. But last night there was an event downtown, and I decided I needed to get my ass up and out. I mean, the cover was only $5, even I can afford that.
I met my friends at one of their condos, which was directly next door to the venue we were heading to.
When I walked in one of my very best friends in all the land looked at me and said "You've lost weight!" I smiled. I have. "Did you notice this shirt fits much differently than when I wore it for my birthday?" I asked him, "Uh huh" he said.
I'd bought a vest to wear out for my birthday party in August. The vest was a little snug, but I rocked it anyway. Last night, I realized that I should probably have it tailored. Its obvious that I've lost weight in my stomach and, unfortunately, my boobs.
But I can handle that. For the first time since I started back to the gym in October, I CAN TELL I'VE LOST WEIGHT AND SO CAN OTHER PEOPLE.
This is huge for me. Im doing it right. Sure, I could be a lot lighter now if I changed my eating habits or went to the gym daily. BUT I DONT WANT TO. I like going to the gym when I can, and I like eating what I want. I am just more aware of HOW MUCH im eating. And I get up 9 times out of 10 when i'd rather sit on the couch all day (today is an exception heh)
I feel good. I still need to lose more, but i'm happy with my progress. I wish I would have taken my measurements when I first started. Maybe I did. I'll have to scour my internet sites and see. :)
xo-
K
Believe
Its hard sometimes to believe that good things are coming when it seems like you have been standing in the fast lane heading the wrong direction for so long.
It's about trust and faith. Both of which are hard for me to do.
But, just when I start to feel like i've totally lost all faith that something good WILL come, a sign will pop up and remind me to just hang in there a little while longer.
One day, I walked out my front door, after feeling down about my lack of job, my boyfriend being 1100 miles away, and school stress, and there was a skywriter just above my house. (I live in Florida, so this is not unusual to see in December). He wrote "TRUST" in the sky right above my humble home. He went on to write "GOD" beside it, but trust was nearly gone by the time god was finished. I just felt like it was the universe's way of reminding me to just hang in there.
I got the highest marks I've EVER received this past term in school. I trusted that I would somehow pull off an A in my hardest class to date, and ya know what? I did it. And I suprised myself how proud I was of that.
My boyfriend and I are making plans for me to move up to his area when this term is complete.
And, I recently was offered a full time job that will work with the fact that I'm leaving in three months.
I trusted the Universe would line up for me, and it actually did.
I am now looking for a temporary room mate to move in and share bills with me. I'm trusting that SOMEONE SOMEWHERE will need the opportunity that I have to offer. I just HOPE that it will be sooner rather than later.
The most difficult part of faith and trust is the unknown. The lack of control. The belief that its going to work itself out. I just have to keep reminding myself that The universe reminded me to trust it before, and I did. And it worked. I just have to be patient with her.
xo-
K
It's about trust and faith. Both of which are hard for me to do.
But, just when I start to feel like i've totally lost all faith that something good WILL come, a sign will pop up and remind me to just hang in there a little while longer.
One day, I walked out my front door, after feeling down about my lack of job, my boyfriend being 1100 miles away, and school stress, and there was a skywriter just above my house. (I live in Florida, so this is not unusual to see in December). He wrote "TRUST" in the sky right above my humble home. He went on to write "GOD" beside it, but trust was nearly gone by the time god was finished. I just felt like it was the universe's way of reminding me to just hang in there.
I got the highest marks I've EVER received this past term in school. I trusted that I would somehow pull off an A in my hardest class to date, and ya know what? I did it. And I suprised myself how proud I was of that.
My boyfriend and I are making plans for me to move up to his area when this term is complete.
And, I recently was offered a full time job that will work with the fact that I'm leaving in three months.
I trusted the Universe would line up for me, and it actually did.
I am now looking for a temporary room mate to move in and share bills with me. I'm trusting that SOMEONE SOMEWHERE will need the opportunity that I have to offer. I just HOPE that it will be sooner rather than later.
The most difficult part of faith and trust is the unknown. The lack of control. The belief that its going to work itself out. I just have to keep reminding myself that The universe reminded me to trust it before, and I did. And it worked. I just have to be patient with her.
xo-
K
12.05.2009
Today
Since my last post... ohhhh two months ago, many, many things have happened in my world. Most sucks, but some is extra awesome. The stuff that sucks is completely and totally out of my control, so let's just pretend its not that giant elephant behind the curtain there, ok?
Let's just be positive. It IS the holidays after all.
So in October I'd decided to go back to the gym. And, HURRAH! Im going. Nearly DAILY. WTF? I've become one of those. A "gym person". This is EXCEPTIONALLY weird to me, but I AM. I dont necessarily LIKE going, but I like the FEELING afterwards. I like that I can tell it gets easier every day I go, and I can go for a little longer and a little harder each time.
I'm being VERY patient with myself. I prefer to go alone, even though my bestie goes to the same gym. But, i'm competetive by nature so if I go with her, I want to compete at something which is counterproductive for me in the gym. In school, thats different. heh. So I go, usually in the mornings, take a yoga class, or do some cardio. And I dont spaz. I do a half hour on the treadmill, (I started at 15 mins, so i'm making progress) walking still, but occasionally i'll jog several bursts. I dont want to pretend like i'm some seasoned athlete and go run full tilt and have a heart attack on the cardio floor.
When I hit 30 mins on the 'mill, I then go do abs. I HATE abwork. But I started slowly there too. Its not a lot but i'm up to 50 regular crunches and then i do obliques till i want to cry, which ends up around 20 per side. Im not saying this is the proper way to do it, but its WORKING for me. And thats whats important to me. If I push myself too hard at first I get mad that I cant do it and just stop going all together. But i've been going! For almost 2 months. And I could care less about if im losing anything, i want to create a healthy habit for myself first. :)
Next week, i'm meeting up with a friend of mine who is a trainer just to go through what I should start doing to work some strength training into my days. Im really excited about this!
So, thats that. Theres more to share but I have cookies to bake (yes, to give to others and send to my super handsome boyfriend and his girls in Baltimore - a surprise box full of homemade cookies is the BEST EVER)
love and eskimo kisses-
K
Let's just be positive. It IS the holidays after all.
So in October I'd decided to go back to the gym. And, HURRAH! Im going. Nearly DAILY. WTF? I've become one of those. A "gym person". This is EXCEPTIONALLY weird to me, but I AM. I dont necessarily LIKE going, but I like the FEELING afterwards. I like that I can tell it gets easier every day I go, and I can go for a little longer and a little harder each time.
I'm being VERY patient with myself. I prefer to go alone, even though my bestie goes to the same gym. But, i'm competetive by nature so if I go with her, I want to compete at something which is counterproductive for me in the gym. In school, thats different. heh. So I go, usually in the mornings, take a yoga class, or do some cardio. And I dont spaz. I do a half hour on the treadmill, (I started at 15 mins, so i'm making progress) walking still, but occasionally i'll jog several bursts. I dont want to pretend like i'm some seasoned athlete and go run full tilt and have a heart attack on the cardio floor.
When I hit 30 mins on the 'mill, I then go do abs. I HATE abwork. But I started slowly there too. Its not a lot but i'm up to 50 regular crunches and then i do obliques till i want to cry, which ends up around 20 per side. Im not saying this is the proper way to do it, but its WORKING for me. And thats whats important to me. If I push myself too hard at first I get mad that I cant do it and just stop going all together. But i've been going! For almost 2 months. And I could care less about if im losing anything, i want to create a healthy habit for myself first. :)
Next week, i'm meeting up with a friend of mine who is a trainer just to go through what I should start doing to work some strength training into my days. Im really excited about this!
So, thats that. Theres more to share but I have cookies to bake (yes, to give to others and send to my super handsome boyfriend and his girls in Baltimore - a surprise box full of homemade cookies is the BEST EVER)
love and eskimo kisses-
K
10.11.2009
Try Again
I'm going to try this again. I need some sort of creative outlet, and my lj is just not doing it for me any longer. I don't care to "make it" as a blogger, I just need to get ideas and thoughts out of my brain on occasion.
I've made the decision recently to start going back to the gym. Again. It seems to me that people are either gym people, or they arent. I am not. But i'm also not ok with being chubby any more. Ok, screw chubby. Im fat. Im curvy. Im voluptous.
Whatever you want to call it, I just don't want to be it any more. Sure, I LOVE my curves, and I never ever ever want to be a toothpick either, nor do i plan to get super tiny. I'd honestly be happy if I got myself back down into an 8. Im at a 14 now. eek. I admitted it.
Yes, baby's got back.
I'm Greek. It's kind of a no choice situation for havin' a booty. I just want to get back to the point where I'm comfortable again. I have a lot of work to do. But I, for the very very first time in my life, am making this decision for me. FOR ME!
Let me back up a touch. My ex spent hours, days, weeks, and months of our near 4 year relationship ripping me apart for my weight. He was no fucking prize either might I add. It was so, so hard for me to listen to him and give a shit when he's sitting on an extra 50 el bees himself while inhaling a cheeseburger. I just couldn't care.
And then we broke up. Two months before our wedding. (totally for the best).
And then i realized, SHIT. I have to DATE now! Oh holy fuck.
I hate dating about as much as I hate running on a treadmill. But I realized the only dudes I know are either A- Married.... B- insane... or C- just friends that i had NO intention of "going there" with.... I had to get my ass back out there. Whatever size it was.
And then I got mad.
I said FUCK YOU if you dont like my ass the size it is! (see the old insecurities I let my ex create in me creeping up? Lovely, no?)
I said this to the boys on OKCupid as they flashed on my computer screen.
This was pathetic and tragic.
And then I went on a few dates. Real. Live. Dates. with Real. Live. Guys.
Many of them crashed and burned. The ones I cared to keep around for a bit never got much farther than becoming a fuck buddy (i mean, who REALLY gives a shit about what a fuck buddy thinks about your ass?) or just another friend i didnt want to go there with.
I spent about 6 months doing this.
And then I went into therapy.
tear.
My therapist was evil. He cut me off. Cold turkey. No fuck buddies. No dating. NOTHING. I had to focus on myself.
Oh hellllllllz naw.
Me. Focusing on ME?! What choo talkin' bout willis?
The day he forced me to sit with my back to him and tell him where my insecurities came from still resonates deeply for me. I realized how much I SEARCH for validation from everyone. My hands moved and fluttered a mile a minute as I rambled on between tears and sobs about everything from my family to my ex to my own incredible insecurities that stemmed from seemingly nowhere.
And he was silent.
Patient.
And i felt like i was dying the entire time.
But then, when I got home and reflected on it that night, I found where it made sense for me.
and then I spent 6 weeks celibate. I also felt like i was dying then too.
TMI?
Probably.
Anyway, back to the story.
Its taken me another 6 months to get to a place where I'm ready to start taking ownership of my body and my insecurities. It took a lot of lost friendships, a LOT of tears, and a trip out of the country on my own to really realize what and who I am.
I keep thinking of the movie The Labyrinth with David Bowie and Jennifer Connelly. She says to him:
"You have no power over me"
which I think i'm going to adopt as my new mantra to my own ridiculously unneccessary thought processes and insecurities.
Annnnnnd go.
I've made the decision recently to start going back to the gym. Again. It seems to me that people are either gym people, or they arent. I am not. But i'm also not ok with being chubby any more. Ok, screw chubby. Im fat. Im curvy. Im voluptous.
Whatever you want to call it, I just don't want to be it any more. Sure, I LOVE my curves, and I never ever ever want to be a toothpick either, nor do i plan to get super tiny. I'd honestly be happy if I got myself back down into an 8. Im at a 14 now. eek. I admitted it.
Yes, baby's got back.
I'm Greek. It's kind of a no choice situation for havin' a booty. I just want to get back to the point where I'm comfortable again. I have a lot of work to do. But I, for the very very first time in my life, am making this decision for me. FOR ME!
Let me back up a touch. My ex spent hours, days, weeks, and months of our near 4 year relationship ripping me apart for my weight. He was no fucking prize either might I add. It was so, so hard for me to listen to him and give a shit when he's sitting on an extra 50 el bees himself while inhaling a cheeseburger. I just couldn't care.
And then we broke up. Two months before our wedding. (totally for the best).
And then i realized, SHIT. I have to DATE now! Oh holy fuck.
I hate dating about as much as I hate running on a treadmill. But I realized the only dudes I know are either A- Married.... B- insane... or C- just friends that i had NO intention of "going there" with.... I had to get my ass back out there. Whatever size it was.
And then I got mad.
I said FUCK YOU if you dont like my ass the size it is! (see the old insecurities I let my ex create in me creeping up? Lovely, no?)
I said this to the boys on OKCupid as they flashed on my computer screen.
This was pathetic and tragic.
And then I went on a few dates. Real. Live. Dates. with Real. Live. Guys.
Many of them crashed and burned. The ones I cared to keep around for a bit never got much farther than becoming a fuck buddy (i mean, who REALLY gives a shit about what a fuck buddy thinks about your ass?) or just another friend i didnt want to go there with.
I spent about 6 months doing this.
And then I went into therapy.
tear.
My therapist was evil. He cut me off. Cold turkey. No fuck buddies. No dating. NOTHING. I had to focus on myself.
Oh hellllllllz naw.
Me. Focusing on ME?! What choo talkin' bout willis?
The day he forced me to sit with my back to him and tell him where my insecurities came from still resonates deeply for me. I realized how much I SEARCH for validation from everyone. My hands moved and fluttered a mile a minute as I rambled on between tears and sobs about everything from my family to my ex to my own incredible insecurities that stemmed from seemingly nowhere.
And he was silent.
Patient.
And i felt like i was dying the entire time.
But then, when I got home and reflected on it that night, I found where it made sense for me.
and then I spent 6 weeks celibate. I also felt like i was dying then too.
TMI?
Probably.
Anyway, back to the story.
Its taken me another 6 months to get to a place where I'm ready to start taking ownership of my body and my insecurities. It took a lot of lost friendships, a LOT of tears, and a trip out of the country on my own to really realize what and who I am.
I keep thinking of the movie The Labyrinth with David Bowie and Jennifer Connelly. She says to him:
"You have no power over me"
which I think i'm going to adopt as my new mantra to my own ridiculously unneccessary thought processes and insecurities.
Annnnnnd go.
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